My name is Phineas
by Virtute et Armis
Summary: Phineas/Gene slash. "You killed him! I tried to salvage him from that river, but then you shattered him. On those stairs, those stupid, marble stairs!" Finny survives surgery AU


**Hello everyone! I hath returned after a good three month break. My muse had abandoned me and I don't think it returned. This is just a simple plot bunny that had attacked me after I saw "A Separate Peace" in my book shelf. That book was undeniably amazing and I adored the symbolism, John Knowles' way of writing is just poetic. So, after not rereading it, I wrote this fanfiction of Phineas and Gene.**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the characters.

**Rating**: K+

I guess I never really understood him, but maybe that was for the better. I watched him hobble from his cot to his desk, his books littered about the piece of furniture. I made no motion to move, or even had a thought of such an action, for I knew Phineas would be angry. His calm demeanor had died that one fateful night and spite had taken its residence.

I want Finny back.

I know it's a childish wish, but it's all that keeps me strung together. The envy I felt for him before is gone, and this soft fondness tugs on the strings of my heart. Now he hates me, and what we had was destroyed. I wish I had never done it or that I never came to be. At least then Phineas could be happy because he _deserved_ to be happy.

His books slipped from his hands as he tried to transfer them to his bag. A string of curses came from his perfect mouth, which was now muddied with burned hatred. It no longer held that beautiful smile, but a smirk of irony, which I guess pretty much summarizes his life. It really shouldn't, and that's a thought I can't drive from my mind, his life shouldn't be like this.

He toed one of his books in an attempt to bring it to his hand, but it escaped him again. I arose slightly, a hand outstretched to grab it, but a low warning growl resonated from Phineas' pallid throat. "I have it." He said in a voice no longer his own, "Don't you have classes to get to?"

I did. Of course I had classes to go to and so did he. I assigned myself as his personal escort ever since he returned after the surgery. We were all worried he was going to die and I remember that, but he pulled through, somehow. I was so relieved and slightly angered. Phineas didn't like living with the broken leg before, now he was a permanent cripple. Would it have been better if he had died?

"Yes." I said, after a little bit of hesitation. He turned his green eyes upon me and I felt apologies rising like bile in my throat. Yet, they soon receded with one nervous swallow and the glare that promised certain death from my ex-best friend. I remember when he returned and Dr. Stanpole began to give me the basic treatment of Finny, like what he could or could not do. I was confused and I remembered how my head was swimming…

_Dr. Stanpole rattled on about how Phineas could not do any extraneous activities and should abide by all school codes. I raised an eyebrow, but kept listening as the doctor ran around in the circles of his vocabulary, which seemed as if it expanded a bit. My mind wandered back to Finny, but refused to conjure up that wretched night._

_I remembered how I used to follow him around, how he broke the swimming record, and the double jump. I missed him and I regretted everything I ever did. The envy had been quelled the minute he started to fall down those stairs. It disappeared and transformed into something else. All those sleepless nights without news of the surgery and that horrible talk in the hospital room, I had cried and confessed in the chapel. It felt like I couldn't breathe, but I did._

_His smell had hung in our room and I had inhaled it until I got high. Then I would soar through all the golden memories. All the endeavors we took…just everything. Then, reality took root again and Dr. Stanpole rematerialized in my glazed vision._

_"You understand Gene?" He asked, the simple phrase uncharacteristic._

_"Yes." I nodded for emphasis, but I was still confused. I guess this was a precautionary measure, a rumor was spreading I was the cause of all of this. I was, in fact, the cause, but not anymore. Like I said, my motivation for what I did was gone and instead an intense need for Finny remained. I knew it could never be satiated, but I'd have that desire over envy any day._

_Then, the reason for the long speech by the doctor appeared, his crutches clicking against the tile floors of the infirmary. Finny's face was very pale and blue veins ran along his strong face. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of him and I attempted to choke out a greeting, but failed._

_"Great to be roommates again, huh Gene?" _

I guess that probably should have been a wonderful statement, something that quenched a bit of my thirst for him. Yet, it destroyed me. His voice held no conviction or compassion, but cold indifference. It wasn't Finny anymore, he insisted on Phineas. He was now detached and never seemed to sleep. He would only stare at the ceiling at night and mumble things under his breath. I tried to hear one night, but never can I hear him.

I broke from my reverie, like a diver from the sea. Air filled my lungs and new eyes searched a much clearer world. Phineas was no longer in the room and I hurriedly stood. I looked around at his trail of destruction and quickly put everything in its place, grabbing a note book he had forgotten (or given up on grabbing).

I jogged down the hallway and out onto the campus. I saw him hobbling along, his backpack uneven on his broad shoulders. Eyes from passersby looked at him, but then quickly glanced away when his cold emerald eyes turned on them. I quickened my pace to catch up to Phineas who right now was crossing the chapel to get to his class.

The memory of the chapel seemed to reach outward from the building and ensnare me. It also seemed to do the same to Phineas, his pace slowing down to barely a crawl. I sidled up next to him, blocking the chapel from his abyssal eyes. "Phineas." I said softly, presenting the notebook.

A light of recognition shown in his eyes, but soon that too was buried. "Just put in my bag for me, will ya?" He drawled, discontent coloring his voice. His skin, since his return, did not gain any of its color and his veins were still prominent on his milky skin. I wanted to hold him and say 'it's not the end of the world, everything's okay', but all I'd do is hurt him more. I'm his least favorite person, but that doesn't explain why he became my room mate again.

I opened his backpack and all of a sudden felt the weight. I grimaced at the thirty or forty pound bag and glanced at my weak friend. How could he be carrying this? It was crammed with books for nearly all of his classes for the day and he didn't seem to show any sign of exertion. I contemplated just slipping the notebook in and simply disappearing into the background, but I couldn't.

I slid one of the straps down his taught arm and I felt him stop walking. He turned his face towards mine and, with the advantage of an inch, he glared down at me. "What are you doing?" He snarled, his voice lacking its usual edge.

"Saving you from Scoliosis." I stated. I slid the straps easily enough off his shoulder with minimal protest. I then shouldered his bag and cradled my own books in my arms.

"See," I said with a smile, which he did not mirror for his face still held rigid contention, "Now you won't have twisted back as well."

Apparently that was the wrong thing to see, and once that left my mouth I knew it was. Heck, when I heard myself echo it in my head I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop it. It was said with such sincerity Finny wouldn't mind, but Phineas did.

He took off hell bent for his class. I struggled to keep up and ended up jogging to keep pace with him. He pounded off the ground with his one good leg and then, after a good five minutes, his hands started to slip. His grip disappeared and he fell backwards, luckily I have _some_ reflezxes so I was able to drop my books –into a puddle no less- and cradle him in my arms. One crutch clattered into the puddle with my French books, the other just falling to the other side.

"You okay Finny?" I asked, his hair tickling my chin. This position felt oddly intimate. In my haste I managed to hook one arm beneath his arms, the other vice like on his waist. His shoulders were hunched, his arms slowly retracting from their flail for grabbing hold of the air. I could feel the repressed sobs beneath my fingers. His stomach lurched, his chest heaved, and he sniffed quickly and twisted to pull away.

"Phineas!" He said through a tear streaked voice, "My name is Phineas!" He practically screamed.

The campus was now deserted, if I were to guess classes had started five minutes ago. I slowly lowered both of us to the ground, the sobs now beginning to escape from Phineas' mouth. No, this was Finny, not Phineas.

I laid Finny between my legs, and pulled him up so his back was flush against my chest. He was taller than me, so I compensated for his head by resting it on my left shoulder, his trembling lips brushing my chin. "Stop it," I said, feeling the tears tug at my eyes, mud soaking through my uniform pants, "Your name is Finny."

"It's on my birth certificate!" He choked out, tears finally breaking past his will, "Finny never existed!"

"Yes he did." I rebuked, holding him closer to me. Even if he was bigger than I and we didn't exactly mesh comfortably, it still felt amazing. Finny was always the one helping me, saving my face from my stupidity, maybe it was my turn to return the debt.

"Alright, yea he did." Phineas sneered, "But guess what Gene?!" Sarcasm was foreign to me from Phineas' mouth, it defiled it, "You killed him! I tried to salvage him for that river, but then you shattered him. On those stairs, those stupid, marble stairs!"

Phineas' self restraint broke and sobs racked his body. Tears ran in torrents down his sallow cheeks and water broke past my eyes as well. "I'm sorry!" I screamed, which was odd, but a welcoming feeling, "I'm sorry Finny, I was naïve and foolish. If it should have been anyone to fall, it should have been me." my voice was merely a whisper, "You don't deserve this Finny, I do. I deserve everything you're dishing out and more."

"Gene…I…" Finny began to say. Yes, this was Finny, compassion was hidden in his voice, past the sob choked, broken tone, was slight compassion. I couldn't stand it, I didn't deserve it!

"No, I'm a horrible person. I should be _dead_. "

With the final word out, my voice shrank in my mouth and finally died. I felt Finny shift slightly, little no's being murmured under his breath. Then, with grace I thought had long left him, he turned about so he was face to face with me, balancing on his one good leg. He leaned forward and embraced me, my hands not being behind me to support the added weight, we both fell backwards with an 'oomph'.

Yet, neither of us commented on it, on how gay we probably looked. I guess in hindsight it did look pretty gay, but I didn't care. This was what I needed…this is what Finny needed.

I felt Finny's hot tears cascade down my neck, his sobs being muffled by my shoulder. "Gene," He said, with a voice I recognized as the one I missed and longed for, "Don't ever say that. No one _deserves_ to die. You just deserve the right to govern your own life."

I chucked, but it was heart broken sound, "You going to add that to your commandments?"

I felt him smile into my skin, "Yea…I think I might…"

I can't say how long we laid there on the ground, in a giant puddle of mud. I do know, though, we woke up when it began to rain and the sky was an inky black, the moon hidden behind heavy clouds. I shifted slightly and felt Finny stir. He freed his arms from behind my back and used them to prop himself up.

He had a goofy smile on his face, only one that sleep could create. That simple grin was entrancing and made his moist, pale face glow. The veins could no longer be seen in the near-dark we were caught in. It was as if it was just him and me in the middle of nothingness, in the middle of everything. I missed being like this with him, like in those midnight runs to the cafeteria or the town for fun. It also was nice because it meant Finny was here, my old friend had returned. Not that boy who had seen too much in too little time, but my friend who could read me like a book.

The rain haloed his face and made him look godly again, perfect again. Then an idea came to mind, one that I had to pull from the depths of my brain, but waited at the tip of my tongue, "You know," I said slowly, shifting slightly so I could pull my head and shoulders from the ground, consequently compromising Finny a little, "You could be the next FDR."

Finny raised an eyebrow then drew them together in confusion, "The president?" he asked incredulous.

"Yea," I said, "You always wanted to be great, be the winner. Why not the president?"

A small smile spread on his face, but then the corners of his lips were pulled down. "I'm a cripple Gene," he explained, "I can't be the president."

"But ah, that's the beauty of it." I said, my moist breath ghosting over his face, "So was he and he was one of the best there ever was."

A genuine smile stole across his face and I felt pride bubble up inside my chest. Those lips no longer spoke of unadulterated hatred, but of joy and possibly beautiful, imaginative ideas, like_ blitzen_ ball. "Thank you." He said, and his breath washed over me. A chill ran down my spine and his smile widened when he felt it.

Being so close to _Finny_ was _amazing_. I could smell him again, I could see him again, hear him again, and maybe even _taste_ him again…

Before I could stop myself I raised my head a little and placed a feather light kiss on the corner of his mouth. I leaned back again and saw confusion fleet across his face and then humor took its place.

"You know, I thought I started hating you when you became spontaneous," He paused, "But now I think I like it…"

I smiled lopsidedly, the action alien to my features. It's been forever since I had smiled or at least so genuinely. Finny mirrored me and nuzzled his face into my soaked chest, "Just ten more minutes…" he murmured, and was out like a light.

I was forgiven.

**Wow what a horrible ending. I know it needs a lot of revamping if I wish to turn this into an actual story, or multichapter ficlet, but I don't. I might after I re read the novel, but until then it's a simple one-shot. Well If you liked it please review.**


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